“Beauty is. It is not something you can acquire, put on or decorate yourself with and suddenly it is there. It is internal, and therefore eternal. It is something every living thing was born with. Beauty is an essence, it radiates, it has warmth and a power that is quantum – the total of who we truly are.” – Toni Childs.
Singing and song-writing legend, Toni Childs, has taken up arms against the monumental, global issue of violence against women. Unusually, though, she is talking about the violence we inflict on ourselves in the form of self-doubt, self-criticism and the setting of unrealistic standards – all of which erode our self esteem and undermine our confidence every day, much like the more physical forms of violence women are often subjected to.
Toni Childs is one of the world’s most loved singer/songwriters. But, scaling the heights of the music industry led to the ultimate in personal lows. In 1997, Childs was forced to re-evaluate her life when she was diagnosed with acute Graves disease, a stress disorder affecting the thyroid.
“I realised I had overly defined myself through my work achievements and my dis-ease boiled down to a lack of self-love – a beauty wound. To change my constant mental pattern of never being enough, I created a physical meditation with salt scrubs I made myself using herbs and essential oils. I applied my concoctions every time I took a shower, taking time to lovingly touch and thank every part of my body. Slowly, I weaned myself completely off the medication.”
“Inspired to clean up my life, I had my blood checked for 1000 different potential allergies, ranging from common household products to wheat. The blood test showed that I was allergic to sodium lauryl sulphate [a chemical compound responsible for making products foam]. It turned out sodium lauryl sulphate was in the body care and household products I used on a daily basis: toothpaste, shampoo, dishwashing liquid and laundry detergent.”
While making changes to her lifestyle, a chance meeting with Eve Ensler, the author of The Vagina Monologues and founder of the V-Day charity, gave Childs a new sense of purpose. Ensler asked her to write an anthem that would inspire people to end violence against women, to be featured in a documentary called Until the Violence Stops. The resulting song was the 2004 Emmy Award-winning Because You’re Beautiful.
When it comes to the violence women inflict on themselves through self-criticism, Toni points out, “I think both women and men have a wound. In men I would call it a worthiness wound and it is more related to their beliefs about power. I believe that men can act out their wound aggressively because they truly feel powerless, which translates into worthlessness.
“This is a generational wound. If our mothers and fathers were not truly seen and loved it can be very hard for them to give what they were not given. It is up to each one of us to evolve and end these destructive cycles.
“For a long time, women were seen as property. Their beauty was used to bring advantage to families – to purchase trade routes, to bond nations and tribes. A woman’s beauty was used as a commodity for millenniums, what we are seeing now is the modern manifestation.”
There is no judgement from Toni on the issue of plastic surgery or botox, “I want to honour a woman’s right to choose how she wants to adorn herself. Adornment has been part of the journey for both men and women for centuries. In Africa, there are women who put plates in their mouths, which they find beautiful. Is there something wrong with that? It is not the adornment that is the issue, it is the reason we are doing it. Are we doing it as part of our enjoyment of ourselves, as something that makes us feel really good about ourselves? Or are we doing it to fill a wound that can never be filled? That is what each woman needs to ask herself.”
When asked why so many women in the public eye seem to struggle with esteem issues, despite apparently having the world at their feet, she explains, “Look, it doesn’t matter if you’re famous or not. We are all struggling with the same stuff. That is actually the beauty of our dance – to know that fame, money and having the best body or the most beautiful face will make your life easier or give you wisdom to impart.”
“It’s important to feel sexy and wonderful in your own skin. If we focus on never being good enough, then that is what the world will reflect back to us. I believe we create our own reality on every possible level. Mastering mindful living and consciously choosing in each moment what we want to create in our lives is our way through these modern times.”
Looking back at her life Toni feels immensely grateful for the opportunities she has been given, but says she would offer her younger self this advice, “You create your reality every day, whatever you think about yourself and about the world gets mirrored back to you. Practice mindfulness and remember you have a choice about what it is you think. Truly love, honour and respect yourself – believe in yourself and the world will do the same.”
Toni’s journey back to health started with a challenge. One which we can all set ourselves, “As in all great stories, the hero or heroine is given a sacred task; I have one for you. In order to end the chaos [within], you must kiss and awaken the Sleeping Beauty in you that lies in a type of suspended animation – waiting for the spell of limited consciousness to be broken. The spell can only be broken by an act of true love for one’s self.”
For more information on Toni’s life and music visit www.tonichilds.com.
Visit www.vday.org for all the latest news on the V-Day charity.
This is an abridged version of a story written by Kate, Ikigai co-founder, and first published in Peppermint Magazine.
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